Christian Grey certainly makes being a dom easy, but thereās more to it than just looking dashing and always being in control.
If youāve just recently discovered the world of BDSM and want to be a dom, then this guide is for you. From the things your sub wants to hear and the mistakes you need to avoid, weāll share with you some tips on how you can be a great dom. By the end of this article, youāll learn what to say to a submissive to keep her happy but still keep your authority at the same time.
Understanding BDSM: Learning the Lingo
Before diving headfirst into the BDSM world, you first need to understand the language. Here are some of the most important lingo and acronyms you need to know to navigate the BDSM world successfully.
- D/sĀ — Dominant/submissive
- DominantĀ — The person who has authority and power in a BDSM scene or relationship
- DomĀ — A male dominant
- DominaĀ — A female dominant who embraces a feminine gender role
- Submissive (sub)Ā — Someone who submits to a dominant in a BDSM scene or relationship
- SlaveĀ — Someone who gives up total control of one or more parts of their life
- SwitchĀ — Someone who can take a dom or sub role depending on the situation
- BDSMĀ — Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism
- Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC)Ā — A BDSM principle considered as ethical behavior
- RACKĀ — Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
- GGGĀ — This means āGood, Giving, and Game,ā a term used to describe people who are good in bed and enjoy receiving and giving sexual pleasure. They are also game to try new sexual adventures and provide easy access to themselves their partners.
- Impact playĀ — A BDSM play that involves striking the body with a hand, whip, flogger, cane, paddle, or other instruments.
- Soft limitĀ — Things a person is hesitant to try but not entirely unwilling to do so
- Hard limit —Ā Things a person will never do
- SafewordĀ — This is used to halt a BDSM scene if a hard limit is crossed. All play should immediately stop. Itās important you set a safeword before engaging in any sort of rough play to ensure the safety of all the participants.
- AftercareĀ — The physical and emotional care after a scene is over. This is done to prevent a drop.
- DropĀ — The emotional or physical exhaustion that usually takes place after a scene. Feeling sad, physical shaking, and crying are just some of the signs of a drop. Both parties in a BDSM relationship may experience a drop.
- Vanilla sex —Ā Described by the BDSM community as regular sex without any kink involved.
- MunchĀ — A friendly gathering of people into BDSM in places such as bars. People can openly talk about kinks but no sexual play takes place in such meetings.
What is a Dom-Sub Relationship?
If ā50 Shades of Greyā was your introduction to the BDSM world, you may think āAh! So thatās what a dom-sub relationship looks like.ā The simplest definition is two people engaging in some element of BDSM where thereās a clear power difference between the two parties, but thereās more to it than meets the eye. Itās not a one-size-fits all type of relationship.
There are different types of dom-sub relationships and the power dynamics may vary depending on whatās been agreed upon by both participants. Some common types of D/s relationship dynamics include:
- Daddy dom and little girl (DDLG)
- Master and slave
- Sadist and masochist
- Owner and pet
Generally speaking, the dom has a more assertive personality by nature. Thatās why heās in charge and is expected to lead his submissive. He sets the rules, takes charge in the bedroom, sets the tone for dirty talk, and chooses which punishments to dish out. Some may also take the lead in more mundane things outside the bedroom, such as choosing where to have dinner.
But that doesnāt mean all subs have no control. While naturally submissive people expect to be taken care of inside and outside the bedroom, there are also people who only choose to relinquish control to someone they trust during a scene. Outside of sex and dirty talk, the power dynamics may return to normal where both parties have equal control.
The acts performed are also done within the subās boundaries. Plus, both parties can withdraw consent and walk away from the relationship any time.
Due to the sensitive nature of this type of relationship, there are strict rules both participants must follow. It requires unwavering commitment at a greater level than most regular relationships. Some even go as far as creating a formal BDSM contract. But you donāt have to go to such extremes if thatās not your cup of tea.
8 Things to Say to Your Sub
If bottoms need to learn how to talk like a sub, doms also need to know what to say. But finding the things to say to a sub can be hard. Plus, as a dom, there are a lot of expectations from you. Youāre expected to be strong, powerful, and always in control. But that doesnāt mean you canāt be romantic, sweet, or giving in bed without appearing weak.
Also, not all subs are the same. While most want and need to be used sexually, those new to this type of kink need gentler guidance. Of course, thatās easier said than do
Talk about Submission and Being a Good Girl/Good Boy
Watch Out for Non-Verbal Cues
Set the Stage
Be in Control
Be Romantic
Show Your Appreciation
Give Compliments
Final Thoughts
Did that sound like a ton of work? Well, thatās because it is. D/s requires an enormous amount of energy from both participants. It takes two to tango! If you arenāt ready for the commitment, thatās okay. But if you are, you have to remember that the whole BDSM experience becomes more fun and exciting when thereās mutual understanding and consent.
