At 10 p.m. on a Tuesday, feeling a desire for intimacy, you approach or initiate with your long-term partner. However, they, exhausted and nursing a stomachache, reject your advances, leaving both of you feeling disappointed and distant.

The reason this scenario often elicits laughter in sitcoms is its universality among long-term couples. Despite the heteronormative stereotype, therapist Miranda Kendal notes this dynamic occurs in all relationships, not just heterosexual ones. So, is this simply a common aspect of long-term relationships, or is there an alternative approach?

Enhancing your ability to communicate your sexual needs and desires more effectively

According to Kendal and other experts, there’s an alternative approach, albeit requiring extensive communication. Initiating sex in a seemingly spontaneous manner can catch your partner off guard, akin to a pop quiz, notes sex therapist Marissa Koval. However, as Kendal emphasizes, it’s likely you’ve been contemplating your desires for some time, placing pressure for a specific outcome, which isn’t fair to anyone involved.

Kendal suggests preventing such scenarios by having ongoing discussions about sex. Instead of sudden requests or impromptu discussions, she advises establishing regular times to talk about your sex life. These scheduled conversations, termed «containers for conversations» by Kendal, provide a structured framework for open dialogue.

Establishing a structured framework

Despite the lack of immediate allure in scheduling sex talks, Kendal asserts they can revolutionize your sex life. They alleviate anxiety by providing a designated time for discussions, sparing you from prolonged anticipation. These sessions serve as valuable platforms for addressing preferences in initiating sex, thereby averting spontaneous tensions. Kendal acknowledges that many individuals lack the skills to discuss sex and communication in general, making the prospect of proposing such talks daunting. She recommends presenting the meeting as a means to enhance the partnership’s health and the well-being of both individuals involved.

General principles for effective discussions about sex

1. Begin with positivity

When embarking on these discussions, it’s essential to avoid starting off with negativity. According to Mary, many individuals only broach the topic of sex in their relationship when issues arise, leading to an initial experience of open communication that’s often filled with complaints or criticisms. To counteract this, Mary suggests cultivating comfort in discussing sex in a positive or neutral manner.

Even if the catalyst for the discussion revolves around desiring more frequent intimacy, Mary advises against mentioning it immediately. «Begin by recounting some of your cherished sexual experiences,» she suggests. «Delve into the emotions and personal significance, emphasizing closeness, for example, ‘I felt deeply connected to you.'» By establishing this communication foundation, focusing on positivity and reducing anxiety, you create a safer space for more substantial conversations to unfold.

2. Foster curiosity

The cornerstone of fruitful discussions lies in something rather simple: curiosity. «If curiosity isn’t present, you’re in trouble—or rather, not in the mood,» remarks Daniel. Curiosity serves as an invitation, prompting inquiries like, «I wonder what your world is like. How has your week been? What are your thoughts on your body? When has sex been fulfilling for you, and why?» These questions, according to Daniel, are vital because neither partner may fully understand what stimulates the other for intimacy. «You have to delve deep,» he emphasizes.

3. Embrace a collaborative mindset

Engaging in such discussions sheds light on the collaborative nature of fulfilling sex. «It’s a joint effort between both partners,» asserts Daniel. Mary concurs, suggesting an effective strategy is to inquire about ways to support each other in carving out time for intimacy amidst busy schedules. «This shifts the conversation to a teamwork dynamic, reducing the likelihood of defensiveness from your partner,» Mary explains. «They won’t feel as though you’re placing the burden of your sex life solely on them.»

How to proceed if your request is declined

By now, you should be equipped to manage a scenario where your partner isn’t receptive to your suggestion. Engage in curiosity to understand the reasons behind their refusal. Share your reasons for making the request, and if the initial proposal isn’t feasible, collaborate to devise an alternative that addresses the underlying intention.

If your request has caused them distress, Mary emphasizes the importance of clarifying that it wasn’t your intent to upset them. Daniel underscores this moment as an opportunity to inquire about the reasons behind their reaction. After all, their agitation over a specific request likely stems from an underlying issue, resentment, or past trauma. Understanding this is crucial for effectively addressing the situation.

In certain relationships, Daniel explains, employing these strategies may prove ineffective, leading to stonewalling from your partner and a reluctance to address the issue. At times, they may outright refuse to discuss your sex life altogether. According to Daniel, this suggests deeper underlying issues within the relationship beyond just sexual intimacy, indicating the need to seek assistance from a professional therapist.